Summary
As much as I hate to admit it, given my most prominent pass time, I literally cannot touch grass. I can’t go near it without a military grade gas mask or some other face protection, gloves, and a whole bunch of other military tactical gear that probably doesn’t make me look very flattering compared to most normal people. That’s because I happen to be wildly allergic to the stuff.
That being said, grass is not the only plant you can grow, and given that I now have a yard to care for, I’ve been thinking about how much of the lawn I can replace with exotic plants before my landlord notices, I accidentally ruin the local ecology with an invasive species, or some terrible mixture of the two. That train of thought naturally led me to video game plants, and the realization that an overwhelming majority of video game plants are incredibly dangerous.
Before I plant anythingin my home garden, I have to theorize about which fictional plant monsters I would attempt to grow back there, and rank them based on which ones would kill me the fastest.
5Piranha Plant
Chomp Chomp
How are you going to grow dangerous video game plants and not have a Piranha Plant in a pot, huh? Seriously, I wouldn’t even stop at one, I’d get seven or eight of these bad boys just for the front yard! They’ve got the cool factor, they’ve got the teeth, and I’m absolutely certain they’ve also got a killer track record with mice.
Basically, the Piranha Plant haswhat modern gardeners want, myself included. Beyond just being a very pretty potted plant, it also has practical application in and around the home as a pest control device. Plus, because it’s dangerous, owning one makes you look really cool in front of your neighbors. Take that, Glen! Not so proud of your petunias now, are you?
All that being said, the Piranha Plant probably couldn’t kill me unless I was really stupid. It sticks to its pot or pipe mostly, so unless I buy a Ptooie Plant by mistake, there’s not much to worry about here beyond my own incompetence, which, while admittedly high, is not so high as to cause me to die at the hands of a giant polka-dotted mouse trap.
Cause of Death:Accidentally buying a Ptooie instead of a regular Piranha Plant and then mistakenly believing I’m safe.
Spelling the word ‘Piranha’ is a pain. Pain enough that spelling it multiple times for this article has significantly shortened my expected life span. Please, for your own good, refrain from attempting to spell this word wherever possible. I suggest using the term ‘Chompy Fella’ for all Chompy Fella related needs from now on.
4Bonk Choi
Respect The Bonk
Almost everything in thePlants Vs. Zombiesseries is designed with forceful anatomy deconstruction in mind. After much deliberation, however, I came to the realization that a Pea Shooter is only going to kill me if I’m already dead, and even against zombies, it was only ever a mildly effective solution at best, anyway.
That’s why I asked my local plant specialist about Bonk Choy. It smells funny, has little Bonk Choy hands, and knows at least 30 different ways to uppercut its opponents, which is at least 29 more ways than I know, and at least 27 more ways than a non Bonk Choy enthusiast would consider necessary.
The Bonk Choy would annihilate my chin within the week of purchase; probably before I even got home from the plant store. In fact, a single bonk from this would probably end in me going comatose. Do not underestimate it.
Consequently, after asking my local plant specialist about Bonk Choy, I was asked politely to leave, and am now discouraged from entering the premises owing to what the police report describes as “aggressive wasting of a professional biologist’s valuable time”. The look on their face made all of this feel worth it, and I have no regrets.
Cause Of Death:Got bonked. Died with a toothless grin and a newly doubled chin. It was totally worth it.
3Carnivine
Oh Gosh This Was A Mistake
Carnivine is a terror unlike anything else I’ve ever seen. Incredibly sharp teeth, freaky little eyes, whatever those bumps on its head that look like anime hair are, and unsettling little vine hands that it can use to grab its next meal, which, according to the Pokedex is pretty much anything that could theoretically fit in its mouth.
Naturally, I want it as close to me as conceivably possible and I want it there immediately.
You might think that, owing to Carnivine’s status as a trainable monster in the Pokemon world, it’s at least marginally less likely to kill me than some of the other deadly video game plants out there, but you know what I think? I think that’sexactlythe kind of thinking that gets people eaten by these things on a regular basis.
Carnivine is responsible for at least 16 trainer deaths a year, probably! That doesn’t sound trainable to me!
Carnivine’s benefits probably don’t outweigh the risks, as it’s not often I find a hoard of Diglett, Ratata, or Pidgey terrorizing my strawberry patch. But its imposing size and tendency to ambush intruders with deadly force make it very appealing as a home defense system.
The problem is, I bet this thing spreads like virginia creeper once you get it rooted, and that’s very quickly going to get out of control.
Cause of Death:Chomped while trying to weed the raspberries.
Yes, Pokemon are probably closer to animals than plants, given the flora that isn’t in the Pokedex we often see dotting the games' landscapes. That being said,it’s called ‘grass type’for a reason, and since the majority of Carnivine seems to be made up of plant matter rather than…whatever Bulbasaur is made of, I say it counts.
2Bomb Flower
Easy Does It Now…
The bomb flower is awesome, but it’s also really, really volatile and likely to blow up at the slightest irritation.
Ironically, it is that explosive nature that makes it so enticing to grow. What happens if these things over-ripen? Do they just go off on their own? How does one pick a ripe flower without inciting an involuntary amputation? Just how bad an idea is popping a bomb flower in the microwave for a couple minutes?
My curiosity about these explosive herbs is boundless, and the only way to satiate that is totry my hand at growing some!I haven’t the slightest idea how much is too much for these guys to handle and what exactly sets them off, so I’d probably keep these in the front yard garden without any signs or fences to make sure nothing touches them, and they probably won’t blow up.
Plus, being an American, the allure of a July Fourth celebration with (responsibly used) bomb flower fireworks is very hard to resist. The only downside is that they look like they grow in a similar way to how pineapple grows, and if that’s true, I wouldn’t be getting a nice ripe bomb flower for quite some time, if at all.
Cause of Death:A single, accidental sneeze during allergy season.
To experience the actual, palpable pain of trying to grow a bomb flower for yourself, purchase a pineapple from your local grocer, chop off the top, and place the top in a glass of water until you see roots forming. Once they’ve formed, place the plant in a nice pot with good soil, and keep it in a humid environment, spraying often. In about two years or so, you might have a pineapple to eat again. Congratulations, you’ve just grown a bomb flower!
1Malboro
I’m Gonna Need A Bigger Flower Bed
Oh man, this one’s cool. Everybody say it with me: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh”! …What do you mean you don’t have the Cthulhu summoning chant memorized?! Some cultist you are.
Anyway, the Malboro (also occasionally called the Mad Oscar, which is coincidentally also what I’m called at my local sports bar when my team is losing) is an elder god of a plant that has managed to become a recurring character of sorts throughout the Final Fantasy series.
The eyes, the teeth, the tentacles, this fella’s got ‘em all, and to be honest with you, I highly doubt I’d survive even making eye contact with it, let alone trying to pull weeds anywhere near it or brazenly attempt to prune it. I’m just trying to keep you healthy, Malboro! Stop biting my limbs off and let me help you!
As cool as it may be to say I have a Cthulhu plant growing in my yard, that bragging right comes with a hefty and frankly deadly price tag, and I’m not talking about the price of sale either. The Malboro may just be the worst houseplant you could ever possibly buy, and that’s what makes it the best around. When it comes to deadly plants, it doesn’t get much deadlier than this, folks.
Cause Of Death:Not bringing Cloud and Tifa with me when I attempt to prune the plants.
