Summary
If you’ve ever playedMario Kart 8 Deluxe, you know there are some pretty zany courses. You’ll drive go-karts in outer space, underwater, jungles, down mountains, through active volcanoes, and so much more, not to mention the generally unsportsmanlike conduct of the other drivers on the track with you.
Could you imagine actually trying to do that in real life? I drive a 2017 Chevrolet Cruze, so I went through Mario Kart 8 Deluxe’s 96 courses in search of the ones I think me and my sedan could actually handle driving (assuming nobody wrecks my car with a Bob-omb, anyway).
For posterity, I eschewed my usualcharacter and kart pairingof Bowser on the City Tripper to use Daisy,my favorite of the humanoid characters in the Mario Universe, in an actual car. I couldn’t find my exact vehicle, of course, so I went with the Sports Coupe for its similarity in its size and shape, even if my real-life car has twice the doors but only half the style of the ones in the photos for this list.
Cup
Moon Cup(Booster Wave 3)
I don’t exactly feel good about turning someone’s backyard into my racecourse, but if Peach has it set up for us to drive on, who am I to judge? Granted, I would have preferred she Chained her Chomps or fed the Piranha Plant, but I’m a guest and I guess I can’t be choosy.
The jumps set up on the walkway under the castle’s balconies on the third lap could pose a bit of a problem, but as long as I mind the massive drifts and moving obstacles trying to snap me into momentary paralysis on the course, I think I’d be good.
Turnip Cup(Booster Wave 2)
Listen, I know I’d have to get kind of creative for parts of this, even without factoring in that I’d need to drive side by side with a steam engine for parts of Kalimari Desert. In Mario Kart 8, there are parts where you need to navigate sharp turns and ramps, and I’d need to be kind of careful there so as not to end up jumping too far or wedged in the sand.
But a lot of the course seems like it’d be standard desert driving. Cruise alongside the train tracks, stare wistfully out across the sands, and pray that my Chevy doesn’t get completely obliterated by cutting through the train tunnel.
Golden Dash Cup(Booster Wave 1)
I used to work in a shopping mall as a teenager and Istilldidn’t know exactly how they drove the cars onto the walkways inside. It was probably more gracefully done than in Coconut Mall in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, but since you can somehow drive into the mall, I’m not ruling this out.
There is, of course, the jump out into the final stretch of the map with the Shy Guys in their spinning cars, but if I was cautious on the lower path where the ramp splits leading out that way, and we assume a little Dukes of Hazard magic for me, I’ve got Coconut Mall no problem.
Leaf Cup
One of the best parts of Yoshi Valley is the giant first drift, especially if you can nail a wide one into that short walkway on the left that all but guarantees you’ll beat your opponents to where the winding tracks all meet back up.
I would need to fight my base urge to gun it for a purple boost in the name of not careening off into the valley, but with some time and patience, I could navigate the twists and turns. I don’t love the curves, nor do I want to deal with the giant egg rotating at the end, but on the whole, this one seems pretty straightforward.
Lucky Cat Cup(Booster Wave 1)
Though there are quite a few highway-like courses that’ve appeared throughout the entirety of Mario Kart history, I tried to limit myself for this list – of course, I can drive on the expressway; I do that like six times a week in real life.
Shroom Ridge got an honorable place on my ranking of courses that are excellent for drifting, but as someone who would rather not spin out in real life, as long as I approach the winding roads there with caution (no purple drift boosts for me and my Chevy, please), I’m in for a beautiful drive.
Egg Cup
I’m not proud to admit that, having skipped Double Dash back in the day, I was blown away when my partner turned on the maps as we played Mario Kart 8 Deluxe at his house early into our relationship and I realized Yoshi Circuit was actually shaped like Yoshi.
And what a lovely course our sweet dino friend provides! I’ve not yet mastered boosting through the waterfall early into the course, but I doubt my sedan could do that even if I could do it in the game, anyway. I have a little trouble with the spikes on the back of his head, an area precariously full of Piranha Plants, but if I don’t get eaten on the way to the finish line, I can drive Yoshi Circuit.
Feather Cup(Booster Wave 5)
Going back to not picking all the highway courses just to make the list fair for every other kind of course in the game, I’m including Moonview Highway despite its numerous roadway perils. Anyone else been taken out on a drift by a bomb car you didn’t see around a corner until it was too late to correct course?
I’m avoiding the side walls and the cars with the boosts like the plague – I don’t even think my Cruze could fit up the surfboard car without causing amassiveproblem for me and the other driver. But if I’m careful not to get too reckless, night highway drives sound lovely.
Just like with the Mario Kart Tour courses were ruled out for being based on actual places in the world where people can and do drive for real, I tried to limit how many of the SNES circuit courses I picked for this list, just in the name of fairness. But if I had to pick one to drive, it’s Mario Circuit 3.
I wasn’t born yet when the SNES Mario Kart was all the rage, but I’ve come to love the Super Mario Kart courses since getting Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. Mario Circuit 3 looks the most to me like a fun, colorful go-kart race, and I think it looks like a cool way to spend an afternoon.
Shell Cup
Are you even a passenger princess if you don’t exclaim “cows” when you drive past a field of cows? Though I wish these cows would stay over in the grass instead of clogging up the road through the field, I can’t deny being udder-ly charmed (get it?) by Moo Moo Meadows.
Though I do feel like it would be in my best interest to navigate the figure-eight ofdirt with the jumpsvery carefully so as not to get too much air (while also not hitting the Monty Moles, I think Moo Moo Meadows would be a wonderfully scenic drive.
Crossing Cup
Baby Park is truly one of my favorite courses in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, especially when played online with other real-life drivers. The innate chaos of all of you stuck together on a closed circuit of the short, ovular track can’t be understated – grabbing items when you can, dodging everything being lobbed at you by your opponents, not knowing who you’re lapping and who’s in front of you? Pristine.
And in terms of physical ability in driving a course like this, most racetracks themselves, especially for beginners, are simply ovular circuits. There’s the joke about how NASCAR is basically just “go fast, turn left,” but if it’s good enough for pro drivers and baby Nintendo characters alike, then it’s good enough for me and my sedan.
