TheDragon Ageseries revels in gritty fantasy and heart-wrenching drama to the point where it would now be suspicious if you didn’t get betrayed by a mage character for once. But while these games are all too happy to ram your emotions through an industrial-sized grinder, a nice moment of levity is nearly always right around the corner.
Aside from the regular humor injected into party banter, the Dragon Age games also sport a fondness for jokes and gag items. They usually have some sort of gameplay effect, but really, you just want to use them for the chuckles they provide to distract from the next inevitable apocalypse. So which ones offer the best yuk for your buck?
10Uncrushable Pigeon
Like Buying Your Lactose Intolerant Friend A Cheese Club Membership
Aside fromthe inevitable comedyof trying to explain that name out of context, the Uncrushable Pigeon does its humorous job well. As part of the Feastday Gifts and Pranks DLC for Dragon Age: Origins, it serves as a gift for one of your companions. In this case, the pigeon-hating golem, Shale.
Unlike your average gift in Origins, the Uncrushable Pigeon is one of the “pranks” that actually decreases that party member’s approval rating. But it’s arguably worth it, as using it equips Shale with a stat-boosting crystal in the shape of an indestructible bird perched on her shoulder. Just maybe save first.
Mario Kart Has Only Scratched The Surface Of Banana Lethality
Things can get pretty dark in Dragon Age: Inquisition. So why not have some fun with it? Apparently, that’s what somebody in the world thought when they devised a weapon schematic for a unique mace consisting of a banana nailed to a stick simply called Sad Weapon.
Sometimes called Mark’s Mangled Mace (likely named after BioWare’s own Mark Darrah), the Sad Weapon requires three sets of sad splinters from doors of keeps you’ve stormed throughout the game. Waste not. So where does the banana come from? Don’t worry about it.
8Cudgel Of The Gold-And-Ebon Queen
You Like Your Enemies Like You Like Your Coffee, Covered In Bees
This mace, exclusive to the TrespasserDLC for Dragon Age: Inquisition, is just further proof of why it’s important to be nice to dogs. Feed Cullen’s new Mabari friend enough overpriced Orlesian dog treats, and it will run off amid screams from nearby folks to give you the Cudgel of the Gold-and-Ebon Queen in return.
It’s a stick with a beehive wedged onto the end. Despite the ill-advised nature of wielding such a weapon in theory, it actually holds some pretty nice stats, with decent damage output and a chance to inflict angry bees whenever you smack an enemy with them. Sera can’t have all the fun.
7Grey Warden Hand Puppet
Not Far Off From Luke Skywalker Playing With Toy Spaceships At 19
Alistair is a precious angel who has never licked a lamppost in winter and knows very little of the world outside of his rather sheltered upbringing. So while you’re working on helping him come out of his shell in Dragon Age: Origins, why not offer a child’s toy that definitely won’t be demeaning in any way?
That’s actually not even a joke. One of the Feastday Gifts is a little Grey Warden Hand Puppet that Alistair will not only massively approve of, he’ll just straight up play with the thing using that delightfully not-at-all-awkward 2009 BioWare animation. There are worse ways to cope with grief.
6The Jade Ham
Rum Not Included
Are you tired of being nice? Don’t you just want to wallop a dude with a ham? That’s just extra humiliation right there. They go down smelling of cured meats. When you find this masterpiece during a war table mission in Inquisition’s Jaws of Hakkon DLC, you can finally live out that greasy fantasy.
Inspired by a similarly ham-based weapon in BioWare’s classic RPG Jade Empire, this mace also includes a description that takes the already incredible blunt cuisine to new heights. It includes a number of Jade Empire references and puns worthy of a dad, which is helpful since that game is nearly old enough to be one (sorry).
5Alistair Doll
The antagonistic rivalry between Morrigan and Alistair in Origins could have been legendary if it didn’t entirely consist of Morrigan beating Alistair down like an amateur in a rap battle. So it almost feels like adding insult to injury with this particular Feastday gift for her. Technically, just more injury.
The Alistair Doll is, essentially, the Dragon Age equivalent of a voodoo doll. When Morrigan uses it, Alistair is given a random personalized injury. It’s almost tragic that Alistair gets a fun little puppet while Morrigan enjoys destructive power over the poor little himbo. Maybe don’t think about how both dolls use the same model.
4Wedge Of Destiny
Wallace And Gromit Would Never
When you find this curiously interactable wheel of cheese hidden away in Crestwood in Inquisition, you’d better hope you’re on face cam because your reaction to being able to wield it as a shield will surely be magnificent. It may not have the best stats, but just imagine it combined with The Jade Ham.
The shield’s description further complements the whole experience, much like a finely-paired wine. Telling the story of its creation involving dragon scales and a dairy farm, it mentions its previous owner, Jacques de Monterey, and you can’t find amore professional-level cheese pun.
3The Boon Of The Spoon
Almost Big Enough For The Original Shredded Wheat
Finally, somebody created a spoon sufficiently large enough for an acceptable mac and cheese portion. Not only that, it’s also awarded through trivia. Feel free to make a joke about food for thought here.
The Boon of the Spoon is a 2-handed maul in the shape of a giant spoon, and you gain it from answering every question in Lord Trifles Minutiae’s “Quizquisition” trivia challenge throughout Skyhold in Inquisition. Is it worth it? Well, ask yourself this. Can you afford not to bonk demons with a big ladle?
2Pet Rock
If giving Shale an invincible pigeon to remain perched on her shoulder seemed cruel to the bird hater, don’t you worry. She’s also got another friend you can give her, and this one has a fun little face painted on.
The Pet Rock is Shale’s Feastday Gift, and once you give it to her, she can use it at any time to simply toss her new heavy buddy on the ground. It has no use beyond that, but it’s fun, and isn’t that what matters? You do have to pick it up yourself afterward, but really, that’s justresponsible pet ownership.
1Victim Of Fashion
She Died As She Lived, Probably Shivering
A good joke makes you laugh. A great joke makes you laugh while also having something to say. In this case, you can find a corpse in Inquisition’s Storm Coast who has died in an embarrassingly skimpy bikini of armor. But their memory shall live on in a funny bit.
Take a fragment of that chainmail, and you’re able to get your arcanist, Dagna, to fashion it into a frankly useless pendant that actually decreases your defense. It’s a pretty funny little commentary on the common fantasy trope of female characters being put in extremely impractical armor. At least Dagna didn’t make a whole suit.
