Summary
Marioand his friends are a pleasant bunch. It’s almost easy to forget that when they’re not racing, having parties, or taking soccer way too seriously, their favorite pasttime is stomping on cute creatures. Adorable 8-bit sound effects do a lot of heavy lifting to sugar coat the violence.
So what if we finally got a Mario game where all the cartoony enemies you encounter were no longer destined for the unspeakable underside of a plumber’s boot? Unlikely, but you should at least be able to pet some of the cuter ones at some point. So which ones are most deserving of that honor?
11Ant Trooper
Look at those cute little eyes. Bugs can be cute, darn it, and the Ant Troopers fromSuper Mario 3D Worldare your prime proof of this fact. They’re not even all that interested in attacking you. Just friendly little guys.
Sure, they hurt you if you touch them, but how is that their fault? That’s just how they were made. All they do is walk in a straight, predictable line regardless of what you’re doing. That’s not villain behavior. That’s just them making sure you’re able to easily avoid them. Such courtesy deserves head pats.
10Wiggler
Wigglers are famously friendly, until they’re not. Having been a series staple sinceSuper Mario World, their whole thing is that they get mad when you jump on their heads. You know who else gets mad when someone jumps on their head? Everyone.
Wigglers are misunderstood, and thankfully, many games since have recognized that. They even joined the ranks ofplayable characters in certain Mario games. But all they really want to do is just happily trot along in their forest homes. Give them a little scritch, but maybe not too hard.
9Ninji
Ever since Super Mario Bros. 2, the Ninjis have lived their lives partying it up. Just standing in caves, rhythmically jumping the day away. They don’t come after you, they simply wish to enjoy themselves. Plus, they’re adorable.
Ninjis aren’t even bothered when you jump on them. They just keep on bouncing like a superball in a jelly-lined hallway. Not even Wigglers can handle a head bounce with that sort of grace. Next time you find yourself on top of one, crouch down and give its cute little ears a wiggle.
8Moneybag/Coin Coffer
You know what would be the perfect situation? Being paid to pet cute things. Nintendo almost figured that out with two enemies, Moneybags and Coin Coffers. But tragically, while you can get money from them, it requires violence. We don’t need that sociopolitical commentary.
What the world needs is the ability to simply pet these financially flush friends. Stomping on the Moneybag inSuper Mario 64and the Coin Coffer in Super Mario 3D Land causes them to spew coins. So it stands to reason a good head rub could at least get you a few cents.
7Squiglet
A creature should never require any fantastical abilities to be pettable. Squiglets simply walk back and forth in Super Paper Mario, and they earn that honor through cuteness alone.
It’s the simplicity oftheir excellent designthat makes the Squiglets worth your hand’s time. It doesn’t take much to make something kawaii. But it does take a particular kind of look, and these little angular piggies have that down.
6Belome
Okay, sure, Belome is a boss and will literally eat one of your party members inSuper Mario RPG. But on the other hand, he looks like just a big ol' doggo. Rules are rules, every dog deserves pets.
You fight Belome twice, so that’s two whole opportunities to get some scritches in. In fact, when he eats Mallow, that’s about as close as you can get, so have a team meeting beforehand so Mallow knows what must be done.
5The Goombas (All Of Them)
The OG little guys, Goombas areas integral to the Mario games as Wario, at the very least. The first thing you see in the original Super Mario Bros. is one of these, teaching you either how to jump or what dying looks like.
They’ve enjoyed numerous iterations since then, from the huggable Galoombas to the wonderfully emo Gloombas, and let’s not forget the fuzzy Cat Goombas. They all look delightfully squishy. Just ignore the teeth.
4Bomp
This stone cutie is worth it for the name alone. Super Mario 64 saw the debut of these Thwomp offspring, tragically stuck to the wall and only able to push you off. More power to them, using their circumstances to their fullest.
Their redesign in Super Mario Galaxy andMario Party10 somehow makes stone look squishy, and along with the perfect name, that deserves a pet. The doe eyes of the original and the puffy cheeks of the glow-up make it very worth risking. Just avoid the ledges.
3Thwimp
You can’t deny Nintendo’s talent for naming cute rock-based things perfectly. Thwomps are terrifying stone blocks with the meanest faces you’ve ever seen. They haven’t earned pets. But calling their tiny adorable version, Thwimps, is absolutely inspired.
Just as dangerous as their big brethren, Thwimps can do a lot of damage with their deceptively tiny hit boxes in Super Mario World. In fact, they can move in multiple directions, catching you off-guard. But they’re just so darn sweet-looking. Pet them if you’re able to, but just ensure they don’t pet you back.
2Monty Mole
It’s always cool when a classic Mario figure earns tenure. Monty Moles have been around for decades, but only recently have they ascended into greener pastures. After their debut in Super Mario World, it wasn’t untilMario Kart Tourwhen they finally became playable.
But that doesn’t excuse them from petting status. Look at those adorable little squinty eyes and fuzzy heads. Monty Moles deserve their advancement, but they also deserve a respectful ear scritch.
